Why we all want to know someone like Ashley

Byline: Judd, Naomi

In honor of Mother's Day, Redbook asked one of entertainment's most beloved moms-Naomi Judd, half of the legendary singing duo the Judds- to host a cozy mother-daughter conversation with daughter Ashley, star of the new romantic comedy Someone Like You. What was supposed to be a simple conversation quickly turned into an unbelievably honest, funny, and eye-opening dialogue. Accompanied by never-before-published family pictures from Naomi's personal photo album, Naomi's loving introduction and the ensuing chat between two independent, intriguing women reveal a powerful bond that will surely be recognized by any mother or daughter.

Some things are endemic to motherdaughter relationships. And to me one of the most constant is the need of all daughters to have their mothers' approval. I am 55 years old, and I still look to my mother for her approval. And I hate that. I resent it. Yet it's a reflex. It's almost like it doesn't even go through my brain.

It is the same, I believe, with my daughter Ashley and me. I know she looks to me for approval. She may deny it, but you'll never convince me otherwise.

But here is the best part: She already has it. She always has.

You see, I bear a lot of guilt about the way I raised Ashley. I was the gypsy sort, always traveling, and Ashley and I were on the road constantly. And I know that was tough on her. As a child, Ashley craved a thermostat. Not a bicycle, or a new doll. A thermostat. We never had heat, and to her a thermostat was a sign of stability, of the middle-class life she dreamed of. She wanted me to drive a station wagon; I drove a redhot '57 Chevy. She wanted a cookie-baking mom; I was a singer, constantly touring.

Of course there turned out to be an upside to all of this. Ashley took in a whole range of people, places, and things growing up. One night we had a bluegrass banjo picker over for supper; the next, an undercover narcotics agent I was dating. She was exposed to a lot of life early. And I think that has helped shape her and helped her deal with everything her on-the-go life throws at her now. And while it also instilled a sense of wanderlust in her, I am blessed that she lives 60 seconds from my front door, here in the woods of Tennessee. When she's home we go to the dollar movies in Franklin. She's the best person to go to the movies with. We'll head out to dinner after- ward and she'll say, "Now, that shot of the wheel represents the symbolic da-da-da..."

Ashley is also very much a nature girl, and for some people that might come as a surprise. But when she's home, chances are she's barefoot, or out in the woods, on a horse, or walking. She loves to have her hands in the earth-she's quite the gardener. She knows every flower and bird going. That is one aspect of her childhood that I think stuck. When she was little I would take her to Aunt Pauline's, where there was no running water, no television. Ashley had to draw water from the well, and we cooked supper on a woodstove. It might be hard for her fans to comprehend that Ashley Judd, who can be seen in high-fashion magazines and at movie premieres wearing Armani and Valentino, also knows how to make homemade lye soap. But she does. I promise.

I think it's this sense of what's real in life-what's important-that has allowed Ashley to deal so gracefully with her success. A few years back, when she was first invited to the Oscars, she declined. She went to the college basketball Final Four play-offs instead. (She' s a fanatic for the University of Kentucky basketball team.) Sherry Lansing, who is a big producer in Hollywood and one of Ashley's biggest fans, once told me that she was impressed by the fact that Ashley had insisted one of her contracts allow her to take some time off from filming if Kentucky made it to the Final Four that year.

Wynonna was a very high-maintenance child. But Ashley was always independent. She could just melt you-I mean, she didn't know a stranger. And while I was trying to keep Wynonna out of the juvenile detention center, I had a powerful feeling that Ashley was OK. I've found in these last few years that I overestimated that-that Ashley was, in fact, suffering and lonely. But she was strong, and I think mothers have an innate sense of which of their children are needy and which are strong.

Ashley doesn't want to see any similarities between us, of course. Our housekeeper; whom she calls Aunt Dot, had been at Ashley's house one day, and when she came to my place she said, "I swear, Ashley is getting more like you every day." And I said, "Good Lord, don't tell her that." And while we are very different in some ways-our politics, for example, where I tend to be conservative and Ashley is more liberal- we are also a lot alike. Our love for tradition, rituals, ceremony, a belief in a higher power and in the ultimate good of people-these are things we share very deeply, mother and daughter. But when it is time for Ashley to start her family, she will not be a mother such as I was. She'll be very smart, very prepared, fortified with folic acid and prenatal vitamins, and she'll have planned the conception date. And that's the way motherhood should be. She's going to be a super mom.

This is a busy time for Ashley. Her new movie, Someone Like You, just opened. It's a romantic comedy-her first-and she stars, along with Greg Kinnear and Hugh Jackman, as a woman who studies the way men behave. After hiding my eyes through half of both Eye of the Beholder and Double Jeopardy, I couldn't be more delighted.

She's also preparing for her upcoming wedding, to a wonderful man I adore named Dario Franchitti, who is a Scottish race car driver. I have always been impressed with Ashley's beaus-when she was in high school she was always dating the class president or someone like that- but when I met Dario I knew he was different. I was bowled over. He is charming and very grounded. And he absolutely adores Ashley, which is what any mother wants for her daughter. The cherry on top is that he also knows when to stand up to her. The first time I saw him do it I said, "Outrageous! This guy gets my vote." After all, it's always good to have your mother's approval...

NJ: Today I get to pose questions you would normally blow off if I asked them. [Laughs] So first, how is your life now?

AJ: Cheerful. The first word that galloped through my mind was "complicated." And the next word I thought of was "cheerful."

NJ: Howdo you know?

AJ: Because my spirit is peaceful and I sleep well. And although I am the busiest I have ever been in my life-I haven't had a weekend free in 2001, and there's no break in sight until late May-I have a really good attitude.

NJ: How do you deal with stress?

AJ: By turning off the phones, getting enough sleep, saying no to people and things, and exercising-yoga, hiking. Those are the most immediate ways I deal with stress. Making time for myself is critical to handling stress for me. Just getting outdoors seems to make a huge difference for me. It wakes me up, and it makes me happy.

NJ: I think you have a very strong sense of who you are. Where does that come from?

AJ: I'm a pretty classic case study for nature versus nurture. I think to be without purpose would be the most awful fate. I remember a kid who was a friend of mine when I was in my early twenties, and he just lounged and had no idea what he wanted to do with himself.

That's just such a miserable existence, I think. You know, to grope and grasp and come up with nothing. The point is, you don't stay in one thing. I'm lucky: I get to express things that are otherwise left to just eat away at you, unacknowledged and unspoken. I've got a really healthy outlook because I can channel it through various characters.

NJ: Are you healthier doing a comedy?

AJ: No, not at all. You have to remember that the basis for comedy is someone else's pain. You know, [in the movie] Jane goes through a genuine and profoundly heartbreaking crisis, and that's why she' s funny. The escapades that ensue come from a deep angst to try to answer some of life's unanswerable questions.

NJ: So even though it's a comedy, it's still...

AJ: Poignant.

NJ: I want to ask you something about the filming, though. On the set you were with Deb [Hugh Jackman's wife] and playing with their beautiful baby boy, Oscar. How do you go from that to doing mega-love scenes with Hugh?

AJ: Mom, what are you talking about? There is no love scene in the movie.

NJ: You're in bed with him.

AJ: I'm not in bed.

NJ: Well, you wake up...

AJ: Oh, Mom! That's not a love scene!

ON THE COMFORTS OF HOME (AND TOO MUCH MAKEUP)

NJ: Well, here we sit in your trailer, and I am watching you having your makeup and hair done and all that. And I know that in your personal life you don't do any of this. Is that a statement against the fact that I often wear too much makeup?

AJ: Well, I could say yes and I could say no. Both would probably be true. But I would like to point out how you still manage to find all of my actions in some way a reaction against something to do with you!

NJ: I just find it curious that you don't wear makeup.

AJ: Mom, that's a little bit of an exaggeration. If I don't look the way you want me to look, then that is something you have to deal with.

NJ: Don't look at me like that. You know, I think you can turn a single look into a one-act play.

AJ: Are you telling me I milk it?

NJ: I'm asking the questions! [Laughs] What do you think I mean by that?

AJ: That you're my mom and you think everything I do is infinitely interesting.

NJ: I do. Like, one of the things I've always observed visiting you when you're on location for a long period is that you always have remembrances of home around you. What are some of them?

AJ: Well, Barnaby is here. That's Dario's beautiful little worn-out bear that he's had since he was 3 years old. And Mr. Bear is here to be Barnaby's companion. And Buttermilk and Shug, my cockapoos, who are brother and sister. And then Emily and Agnes, the cats, who are sisters. And we always have our own sheets and towels and blankets and pillows. And then everything gets washed, packed up, and shipped to the next movie. The aim is to make transitions less agonizing, because I love making movies and I love having time off. What really harasses me is the transition period, you know, and the idea of "settling in." I'm good at it, but sometimes it's just so chaotic. You get a bunch of people that you don't really know bossing you around: "Get on this airplane. Come do this. Try these clothes on. Get your hair cut. Actually, we want it blond." And all of that can overwhelm me.

NJ: Is that the worst thing about being a celebrity?

AJ: I don't perceive myself as a celebrity. I'm a creative person who's had success. It takes a lot of care to manage the whole gestalt of it. The media factor requires a steady analysis of attitude, to make sure it doesn't infect your good, quiet, private life. The good newswhich I try to really appreciate, because it is truly one of the only positives that Dario and I can think of-is that you can usually get something really good to eat on rather short notice. That's celebrity.

ON A MOTHER'S LOVE LOVE

NJ: Hearing about how you have to endure all this travel reminds me that I bear a great amount of guilt over the fact that I lugged you and your sister from one end of the country to the other when you were growing up. You had to go to 13 schools! But I have heard you say that all that exposure to America's subcultures helped you. Make me feel better about this.

AJ: [Laughs] I think going to all those schools prepared me to make transitions. For some people it's the opposite. They have a consistently geographically based upbringing. And in their imagination, they dream about travel. So when it starts to happen to them, they embrace it. For me it was more like, "Oh, I can do this, because I have a lot of experience." I know how to go into a new place and basically get along. Every time you make a new movie, you're essentially embarking on a little magical journey-which is not at all unlike how I felt on the first day of school every time I went someplace new. And some of the moves brought a tremendous grace to my (continued on page 161) life-specifically, going to live with [my grandmother] Non in the twelfth grade. People who have spent a significant amount of time with their grandparentsit changes them. It's a gift that endures.

NJ: What do you wish for your children?

AJ: I want my children to be comfortable in the world. Every person who might have children hopes that [they] will feel loved beyond any shadow of a doubt. Where your children are going you cannot go to, even in your dreams, for they belong to tomorrow. I think their own sense of equanimity is the most important thing. I'd also like them to speak a couple of languages. And I think it would be important for me that our children understand what Scotland and Kentucky and Tennessee mean to Dario and me as historic places. As places not just of our personal heritage, but where they fit into history, you know? Especially Scottish history. It's like a microcosm of world history, with independent people and struggles, and bad guys coming in and doing unspeakably bad things. It's about people finding something that helps them transcend.

NJ: The other night you were filming; I think you started at 6 p.m. and worked till 7 a.m., and you had not been able to adjust your biological clock. You had your head in my lap, and I was rubbing your feet and giving you a head massage. And it occurred to me that them is no way you know how deeply I love you.

AJ: If I sat down and thought about it, to whatever extent I'm capable as a person who has yet to have children, I probably still couldn' t really fathom it. But that actually meant a lot to me, because it restored me in a way that I couldn't have predicted. And I'm positive that it was not just because you are a relative of mine, but the fact that you are actually my mother. I came from inside of you. So to just lie there for a little while and have you caress me...l was in the best moodit completely turned my mood around.

ON TAKING HIS NAME AND HER MOTHER'S ADVICE

NJ: I am sure you are thinking about your wedding. And that reminds me: One time at church, a senior pastor said he didn't understand why women...

AJ: Oh, yes. He didn't understand why they chose to use "Ms." They were updating the membership directory. Everybody had a little card to fill out, and he was sort of overexplaining it and saying, "OK, check the box that says Mr. or Mrs. or Ms." And then he said, "I don't understand all that Ms. stuff; don't even bother." I raised my hand, and it was like, "Too late, preacher. I've already marked it." Are you asking specifically about my name?

NJ: Yes. How do you feel about women keeping their last name?

AJ: I love the southern tradition, with a lot of women being named Mary and their middle name being their mom's maiden name, so you get Mary Tripp, Mary Blanton, etc. They keep the legacy of the mother' s lineage alive. I don't think I will use the name Franchitti professionally. Those people don't deserve to be dragged into the Hollywood hullabaloo. [Laughs] And there is not enough room for Judd-Franchitti on the side of a race car!

NJ: I'm glad you mentioned Dario. Was he wearing anything under that kilt at the Millennium Concert? [Laughs]

AJ: The proper way to wear it is with nothing underneath. He is a proper Scot.

NJ: Last question: What's the best advice I ever gave you?

AJ: "Life is more important than show business."

Redbook - 2001

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